


The ending is just the beginning repeating

by EowinSymbelmine



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M, alternative ending, i wish it went like that, self-indulgence take to the max, this fucking show i swear
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-20
Updated: 2021-01-20
Packaged: 2021-03-12 05:14:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,367
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28880052
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EowinSymbelmine/pseuds/EowinSymbelmine
Summary: This is the way the world endsNot with a bang but a whimper.- T.S.Eliot
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 2
Kudos: 15





	The ending is just the beginning repeating

**Author's Note:**

> So, you see... I couldn't finish the last season until this week.  
> This is my little self-indulgent fantasy of what was going through Dean's head during Cas' confession, and what happened when he got to heaven. I needed to write this for my own peace of mind. 
> 
> Warning: I used a lot of the original dialogue on this. English is not my first language, and this is not beta-ed, so all mistakes are shamefully mine. 
> 
> Hope you guys enjoy.

Trapped. They were trapped once again, and Dean's hope was starting to fade.

All the fight. All those deaths. And it would probably come to this. Billie was right; stupid Winchesters

"I just led us into another trap." He felt as if his heart was lodged in his throat, like a rock blocking a stream. His feelings were pooling in his chest, and he couldn't let them out. "All because I… I couldn't hurt Chuck. Because I was angry, and because I just needed something to kill, and because that's how I know how to do."

_Because all I do is hurt people. Hurt the ones I love most._

"Dean..." Cas stepped forward, but Dean couldn't let him get near, not now, not when he was trapped, cornered, wounded; not when he knew he would probably lash out in anger and fear and hopelessness, and hurt him once again.

"It was Chuck… all along." Chuck manipulated them, played them. Made them dance on strings like puppets. How much of what he felt, of what he _was_ , was really him, and how much was just a plot of Chuck's tale? "We should've never left Sam and Jack. We should be with them now." 

His brother. Cas' kid. They just… left them. Left them and went on a fool's errand, on an idiotic quest, believing, as always that they could win, that they _would_ win. Stupid Dean Winchester and his stupid _pride_ and his stupid _hope_. "Everybody is gonna die, Cas. Everybody. I can't stop it." He couldn't look Cas in the eyes, not now. Not when he just signed the world's death sentence. 

Billie pounded on the door more forcefully. He approached Cas, who looked every bit as downtrodden as he felt. 

"She's gonna get through that door."

"I know."

"And she's gonna kill you. And then she's gonna kill me." _'Cause she'll want me to suffer. She'll want to take one more thing from me before taking my life._ "I'm sorry."

"Wait, there is..." Cas' voice sounded… almost hopeful. Dean looked up. "There is one thing she's afraid of, there's one thing… strong enough to stop her."

Dean's heart was pounding. Was that… was that hope? Would they be so fortunate? 

Cas' voice sounded stronger, surer, now.

"When Jack was dying… I… I made a deal, to save him."

"You what?"

"The price was my life." Dean blood turned into ice water. _Oh, no, no, no_ , he knew that script, he knew that plotline, and he didn't like it one bit.

"When I experienced a moment of true happiness, the Empty would be summoned and it would take me forever." True… happiness. Did any of them even know what that looked like? He supposed he came close, when Mary was around, and they had all their little, disjointed family in the bunker… but something was missing. Something was always missing. Dean was broken, an incomplete puzzle. 

"Why are you telling me this now?" _Why are you sounding like you found the secret, Cas? Why are you sounding like you found the missing piece of your own puzzle?_

"I always wondered, ever since I took that burden, that curse, I wondered what it could be, what my true happiness would even look like." Cas looked… relieved. 

"I did never found an answer. Because the one thing I want… is something I know I can't have" _No, no, Cas, no, stop talking, this is too much, stop talking before something bad happens, something bad always happens when I get even a glimpse of something truly good, please, stop talking…_

But Dean couldn't say the word aloud, couldn't interrupt Cas, not when his eyes were glowing like that, when a small smile was beginning to appear.

"But I think I know… I think I know, now. Happiness isn't in the having. It's in just being. It's in just saying."

"What are you talking about, man?" _Because you couldn't be saying what I think you're saying, not now, not when it all went pear-shaped, not when we are in the brink of death, not when we have a vengeful God to slay and a whole world to avenge. You couldn't be offering me this when we lost everything else._

Cas was smiling, and getting closer, and Dean couldn't move, _he couldn't fucking move_. he was rooted to that spot, like it was a devil trap, only it was Cas' soft smile and bright eyes keeping him pinned in place.

"I know… I know how you see yourself, Dean. You see yourself the same way our enemies see you."

 _Because it's the only way to see me. Because my greatest enemy lives inside my head_ , he wanted to scream. But his tongue couldn't form the words, and Castiel's gaze kept him frozen. 

"You're destructive, and you're angry, and you're broken… You're daddy's blunt instrument. You think that hate and anger, that's… that's what drives you, that's who you are."

 _Because that's who I am_ , Dean's mind cried, but his voice stayed silent.

"It's not. And everyone who knows you, sees it."

 _And everyone is dead because of me_.

"Everything that you have ever done, the good and the bad… you have done for love. You raised your little brother for love, you fought for this whole world for love. That is who you are."

 _I'm not, I'm not, I'm not_ … Dean's mind was in overdrive, Cas' words battling his self-loathing, his self-hate, and having a hard time winning. His inner monsters were old, and strong.

"You are the most caring man on Earth. You are the most selfless, loving human being I will ever know." Cas' smile had an edge of pain that was stabbing him, like an angel blade right through his chest.

"You know, ever since we met, ever since I pulled you out of Hell… knowing you has changed me."

 _Why now, Cas, why right fucking now…_ Cas was crying, his smile larger, even brighter. He looked almost hopeful, and Dean couldn't understand, they were trapped, the world was empty, they were going to die and leave Sam and Jack behind… what was going through Castiel's head?

"Because you cared, I cared. I cared about you… I cared about Sam, I cared about Jack… I cared about the whole world because of you." Dean could feel the tears on his eyes, and they burned, just like he could feel his heart burning, because he _knew_ this plotline, he could _feel_ where this was going, and he hated it, _he hated it_ , and he was powerless to stop it.

"You changed me, Dean"

"Why does this sound like a goodbye?" _Stupid question, Dean, your voice decides to work and that's what you say, knowing full well what is happening?_

"Because it is." Dean shook his head. _Don't say it, Cas, please, not now. Say it later, say it after we escape Billie, say it after we finish Chuck and save the world one more fucking time, say it when we're finally safe, say it when I can finally find my courage to say it back._

"I love you". Cas's smile was small, but his eyes were full of joy, but also despair. 

"Don't do this, Cas." _Because if you're saying this right here, right now, is because you gave up any hope, is because you feel like you will never be able to say it again. Is because we are truly done._

Dean heard the rippling sound from the Empty arriving, and Cas came closer, his eyes burning with so much love it was painful to watch. _Stupid, stupid, how did you never saw it, how did you never recongnized it for what it truly was?_

Billie finally broke the seal and busted the door. 

"Cas?" One more smile, crooked, pained. One hand in his arm, burning, _why it was burning_?

"Goodbye, Dean". Cas shoved Dean on the ground as Billie approached. The angel turned and gave him one last look, one last smile, before facing the Empty, his face peaceful. 

The Empty swallowed Cas and Billie. Dean was alone. Again.

His left sleeve was bloodied, Cas' handprint bright against the dark green. He could feel a phantom pain in his biceps, and he wondered if _it_ was back. He hoped it was. Because it would be all he had left from Castiel.

His phone vibrated. _Sam_. He couldn't bear to face his brother right now… he couldn't bear to face Jack.

The tears finally came, and he wept silently.

==============================

_The ending is just the beginning repeating_

_Everything goes away_

_But comes back some day_

Dean knew his end would be bloody, and hunting, but never like this, never a stupid accident like this. But he felt at peace. 

Sam would be fine, he knew it. He could finally be free to follow his own path, without having to live in Dean's sad, cold shadow. 

"I need you to tell me that it's okay. Tell me. Tell me that it's okay." He needed to know that Sam knew it too. That Sam knew that he would be fine without Dean. That Sam understood. That he could finally rest.

"Dean… it's okay. You can go now." Dean felt the tears running freely, Sam's hand between his was warm, so warm, and he was feeling so cold, so much cold… 

"Bye, Sam." Cold, so cold… he heard the whispered _Goodbye_ as winter enveloped him from the inside out, and he closed his eyes.

When he opened his eyes again, he felt warm. Sunshine all around him, birds singing, the fresh smell of spring. Everything was so green and so bright.

"Well, at least I made it to Heaven."

"Yep." He knew that voice. He could live a thousand lives and he would still know that voice. The first person to ever treat him like a human being, and not like a weapon or a pawn. The voice his mind conjured when he thought the word "father".

Figures Bobby would be in his Heaven. 

"What memory is this?" Bobby laughed, and Dean felt something warm in his chest.

"It ain't, you idjit."

"Yeah, it is. 'Cause last I remember, you… you were in Heaven's lock-up."

"Was. Now I'm not. That kid of you, before he went… wherever, he made some changes, here. Busted my ass out. and then, he… well, he… set somethings right. Pull down all walls up here. Heaven ain't just reliving your golden moments, anymore. It's what it should have always been. Everyone happy, everyone together."

Everyone was here. Everyone he ever loved was here. Or, at least…

"It ain't just Heaven, Dean. It's the Heaven you _deserve_."

 _Do I deserve it, though? Really, truly deserve it?_ He was selfish and cruel with some of the people who loved him most, no matter what Cas said. He was selfish and cruel to Cas, mostly.

The beer tasted exactly like the first one he had with John. And it made sense that here, in Heaven, his first beer with Bobby - who was much more of a father than John Winchester could ever hope to be - would taste the same.

"So, Jack did all that?" _After the way I treated him, after the way I scorned him, after all the harsh words… He still loves me like family. Like I should have loved him._

"Well..."Bobby paused just a fraction of a second, but it was enough, Dean knew _exactly_ what his next words were going to be. He felt his heart racing - did he still have a heartbeat in Heaven? Never mind, his phantom heartbeat was out of control. "Cas helped."

 _Of course, of course, of course._ This Heaven, _his_ Heaven, was clearly a labour of love. 

"It's a big new world out there. You will see." Dean drained his beer.

"Think I'm gonna see a little bit right now." He raised his eyes and saw the Impala parked a few feet ahead. _Not now, Baby. Later_. "Gonna take a hike. Do you… have any direction you'd recommend? Any sights I need to see?"

He could practically read the _idjit_ in Bobby's eyes.

"Why don't you go north? There's some nice clearings in those woods. You can come back later, and we go to your folks' together. I'll tell Ellen to bake a pie."

Dean smiled, and took off, heart soaring. _North_.

=====================

The sun - or whatever that was supposed to be - filtered through the leaves, bathing everything in a golden, soothing light. He could hear birds overhead, rustling in the bushes; it was bursting with life. He heard a murmur of running water and took off in that direction.

The ground was uneven, but the trees offered support when he had a hard time finding his footing. He reached the stream, and could see from the distance fishes splashing, birds diving, the way the light broke in little rainbows all over the surface. It was beyond beautiful. 

He started the slight descent, thinking about taking off his shoes and splashing around for a bit, when a loose pebble got caught in the battered threads of his boots, and he lost his balance, starting to fall.

Until he felt a burning sensation in his left biceps, that spread throughout his entire body, and felt like fire and electricity all at once.

"Caught you." said a gruffy voice, brimming with affection and longing.

Dean froze, knowing what he was gonna see when he looked up, but too afraid to look and be wrong. 

_Man up, you idjit_ , Bobby's voice sounded in his ear. 

He looked up.

Blue eyes, the color of the summer sky. A crooked smile. The same rumpled trenchcoat.

"Cas", he breathed.

The angel still held into his arm, but raised his other hand, caressing Dean's jaw softly.

"Welcome home, Dean." 

Dean took him in a bone-shattering hug, his chest heaving with a thousand unshed tears, a million unsaid words. He felt a featherlight kiss to his temple; he took a deep breath and finally looked at Cas, properly looked at Cas.

"I know." Cas said. Dean laughed, leaning his forehead against the angel's, their breaths mingling. 

"I'm home", he said, closing his eyes and kissing Cas softly. "I'm finally home." 


End file.
